Christmas in Captivity

It’s Christmas Eve as I write this, a relaxing day I’ve devoted to reading mediation blogs, thanks largely to the efforts Diane Levin, who has done an incredible job of pulling together so many ADR resources in such a user friendly manner! I was thrilled when she replied promptly last week to my request to have ‘A Mediator’s Calling’ listed on The World Directory of Alternative Dispute Resolution Blogs, and even more excited when I discovered it was already posted and accessible from the Reading Room where every blog entry can be read without ever having to leave the site. I’ve been a podcaster since April 2005, but still feel like a newbie to the blogging world, and until now, somewhat of an outsider. Diane’s warm welcome went a long way towards making me feel at home here, much the way fellow podcasters gave me the boost I needed to keep going in those pioneering days. It takes time to find one’s natural voice, but with every new blog entry I’m starting to gain more confidence and enjoy being a member of this online ADR community.

What’s prompted me to write today is a story from today's Toronto Star which filled me with sadness. It is the tragic account of Ingrid Betancourt, a Columbia woman who was kidnapped by the FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) almost six year ago, and is being held prisoner in the remote jungle under very difficult conditions, often shackled to other prisoners by the neck because of earlier attempts to escape. She campaigned against corruption and the drug cartels, and has paid a heavy price for her bravery. I know little about her other than what I have just researched online, but the recent photograph proving she is still alive speaks volumes. Her birthday is Christmas Day, and I will take a few moments out from our own joyous celebrations to think of her and all the other unfortunate victims held unjustly around the world, separated so cruelly from their loved ones. I am sure there are many people exploring peaceful creative ways to get her and others released; let’s hope they find success before it’s too late.

Mediation and Language Skills

I’ve spent a large part of my adult life teaching English, both in Canada and overseas. Having long had to make myself clearly understood by second language learners, I now have an unconscious habit of quickly assessing a speakers’ English skills, and adjusting my speech patterns and vocabulary accordingly. This is so second nature to me now that I will even fine tune my speech when dialoguing with native English speakers, depending on their verbal expertise, although the changes I make are usually subtle enough that a co-mediator might not even notice. What surprises me, however, is that non-teachers can sometimes be so completely oblivious to a listeners needs, not noticing the facial expressions suggesting varying degrees of incomprehension. ESL teachers are (or should be) trained to pick up on non-verbal cues, and slow down, repeat, rephrase, avoid idioms or do whatever else is necessary to help facilitate good communication.

The implications for mediators are plain: active listening, by extension, should include being sensitive to a clients language capabilities. I have on occasion been disturbed to hear a fellow mediator talk rapidly and verbosely when it was apparent the client was struggling to keep up. Whether oversights like this are due to inexperience or a lack of training I can’t say, but I would like to share a few teacher tips.

Listen and observe: Start slowly with introductions and small talk, give the client an opportunity to speak, and try to gauge their proficiency. Note that it is not just second language learners who can have difficulties communicating; other variables such as stress and anxiety can interfere with linguistic competence.
Listen to yourself: Practice your opening statement alone sometime, or even better, record yourself and pay attention to your speed and lexicon. Ask a co-mediator for honest feedback. Learn to simplify.
Stop short: Some people seem unable to find an end to their sentences, and carry on as if every sentence has to be a full paragraph. Stop! Give the listener time to process what’s being said if it’s important, and if verbosity is just your natural style, learn to break your run on sentences into shorter segments. Try being more concise when asking questions; some mediators appear to supply the answers to their own questions.
Check for comprehension: Don’t just ask ‘do you understand?’ because almost everyone will say yes, even if they don’t. Clients can easily be intimidated by someone else’s superior language skills. Remember to ask open-ended questions, and allow the client plenty of time to compose answer if they are nervous, embarrassed or confused. Don’t be afraid to come back to the same question again later if you don’t feel the answer was complete. Learn to read cues from body language and facial expressions as well.
Rephrase and repeat: Raising your voice or slowing your speech down to an unnatural rhythm is demeaning and won’t help. Instead, repeat questions, if necessary, by rephrasing. “So when did you finally decide to bring this uncomfortable relationship you were involved in to a conclusion?” can be rephrased as “Tell me about ending your relationship.” and afterwards ‘When did this happen?” Of course, none of these adjustments are necessary if you have already assessed your client to be completely at ease and verbally sophisticated. The point is, find out first.

Canadian Law

A mediator I may be, but a lawyer I’m not. Now of course that’s not something I should be bragging about - I know lots of lawyers, and frankly, I think most of those lawyer jokes are based on unfair stereotypes. For example, “A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00." (http://www.lawyer-jokes.us/). Now is that fair?

Anyway, my point is that my knowledge of Canadian law is limited, but as a mediator, it’s often necessary to get legal information on issues as landlord-tenant problems, termination of employment, sexual harassment, etc. I could find my answers online, but we all know how time consuming those hyper-linked diversions can be. Instead, I have before me a big red copy of ‘Your Guide to Canadian Law: Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions' (published by Fitzhenry & Whiteside), a deal at $24.95, and even cheaper if purchased online. It’s the perfect reference for someone like myself, as it’s well organized and highly readable. Six major sections are subdivided into units such as ‘You and Your Job’, ‘Criminal Justice’, ‘Couples’, and these in turn are further categorized into easily digestible chunks on particular topics, including sections on mediation and arbitration.

Not surprisingly, many passages end with ‘for further information, consult with a lawyer,’ but the reader is provided with a very good overview which should be able to provide answers for the kind of questions clients might want to know before mediating. There is a unit on ‘How to Sue Someone’ (please try mediation first), but I found the section on Criminal Justice very valuable. It clearly and concisely answers 49 well chosen questions, starting with ‘When can the police stop and question me?’ and going on to questions relating to ‘Being Charged and Arrested’, ‘Defending a Charge’, ‘Common Criminal Offences’ and more, ending with ‘Criminal Records.’ If you think you already know all you need about Canadian Law, then consider buying this as a gift for someone who doesn’t. By the way, did you hear about the lawyer who - oh never mind.

Now and Zen

Forgive the pun, but that’s exactly what the topic is today; the art of being fully cognizant of and responsive to the present moment. Mediators will remember from their training that one of the most important skills to learn, practice and demonstrate to other parties is how to be an active listener. There is often a tendency to be thinking about the next question to ask, or imagining what the other party’s version of events might be, or a phone call you have to make, or to mentally wander off with any number of stray thoughts. Just as meditators know they should bring themselves back to their mantra when their concentration drifts, mediators must also try to stay tuned in to and be at one with the present moment. This means being aware of body language, the emotional state of the speaker, the subtle changes in voice, and all the other nuances that convey true meaning. Stop, look, and listen.

My interest in Beat literature (Kerouac and Ginsberg) inevitably lead me to read more about Buddhism, and Zen in particular. Whenever I find myself on the down side of a mood swing, I select a book from the dozens I’ve collected, and never fail to find solace in those simple words of wisdom which offer an entirely new perspective to life. The message always comes back to the catch phrase popularized by Baba Ram Dass (formerly psychologist and Timothy Leary cohort, Richard Alpert): ‘Be Here Now.’ It’s the secret to a satisfying life, so simple, and yet so difficult to follow, except during rare and enlightened moments. To quote an anonymous sage, “In Zen, the important thing is to stop the course of the mind.” I mention this because there have been times during mediations when I’ve had that sense of being at one with everything happening in the room, living completely in the moment. The experience comes about not from any attempt on my part to practice Zen teachings, but from a conscious effort to be an active listener, fully aware of every word spoken, every pause, every expression. If I can train myself to be here now more often, I may become a better mediator.

Many do not know that we are here in this world to live in harmony.
— Buddha

Personal Qualities of the Mediator

I am currently reading ‘Bringing Peace into the Room: How the Personal Qualities of the Mediator Impact the Process of Conflict Resolution.' In the first chapter, editors Daniel Bowling and David Hoffman quote psychologist Jeffrey Kottler on the role of personality in psychotherapy, and by extension, mediating. Successful therapists “are the kind of people who radiate positive energy. They are upbeat, enthusiastic, witty, and quick on their feet. They have good voices and are highly expressive in using them. Most of these highly successful practitioners are simply interesting and fun to be around.” In other words, it is not only about “what effective therapists (read mediators) do, but also involves who they are.” Mediation is not just work that we do, but rather “an integral part of our identity.” This ‘integration’ is manifested when we make the transition from feeling that “I am someone who mediates” to realizing that “I am a mediator.”

The idea of personality being an important factor in mediation brings to mind my hero from university days, psychologist Carl Rogers, best known for his theories on client centered therapy. In his book ‘Person to Person: The Problem of Being Human,’ Rogers shares a profound conclusion, after all his years as a psychotherapist: “in a wide variety of professional work involving relationships with people–whether as a psychotherapist, teacher, religious worker, guidance counselor, social worker, clinical psychologist–it is the quality of the interpersonal encounter with the client which is the most significant element in determining effectiveness.” Rogers believed it was the ‘attitudinal ingredients’ of congruence, empathy, positive and unconditional regard that individuals bring into a helping relationship that make all the difference. A closer examination of one’s own personal qualities is something all mediators should take the time to reflect on.

A Pledge of Honesty

These beginnings are always somewhat awkward, aren't they? You don't know me, and I don't know you, and all I can do for now is put these words out there and hope to eventually build a following, some understanding, and perhaps even friendship. That will only happen if you visit this blog on a regular basis, and that won't happen unless I offer you something you deem worthwhile. So let me begin: I pledge you honesty. Now if that's not enough, then I'm afraid we're already off to a bad start, because there's really nothing of greater value I can offer. So please, before you go away, think again about what honesty should mean to you. If you're a mediator, my intended audience, maybe the Thesaurus (yes, I'm an English teacher too) might help: Honesty = integrity, uprightness, honorableness, honor, morality, morals, ethics, principles, righteousness, right-mindedness, virtue, goodness, probity, high-mindedness,fairness, incorruptibility, truthfulness, trustworthiness, reliability, dependability, rectitude. Wow! What more could you ask of anyone?

Now I promised in my last (first) posting that I would talk about what it takes to be a mediator, and here is my answer: Honesty, and all that's implied therein. By ADR case count I'm still closer to novice than pro, but since beginning my studies in 2001, I have firmly believed mediation is a truly noble profession, and must be undertaken with the utmost care, compassion and integrity. Those who think I might be over-estimating the value of honesty should perhaps stick to the legal profession (oops).

Far From the Start

I’m calling this first entry Far From the Start to indicate that although this marks the beginning of a new mediation focused blog, it does not mean I am just now starting out as a mediator. I completed the certificate program in ADR at York University over five years ago, and have since being volunteering in Scarborough, Ontario in community mediation and more recently with the Justice Committee pilot program for Victim-Offender Mediation. I have also opened a private practice of my own, Glanville Mediation Services, and feel now is an opportune time to share my reflections on this ongoing and ever changing journey of what it means be a mediator.

First, a brief (and superficial, for now) self-description. In my youth I dreamed of being a writer, and spent many years wandering the proverbial desert, searching for material and enjoying a wide range of adventures across Canada, in Europe, Mexico, West Africa and much later Japan. What I discovered was that although I have a vivid imagination and a love of the extraordinary, I lacked both the discipline and talent to write, and so settled on teaching English instead. This has served me well, as it’s given me considerable freedom and independence, and I have always enjoyed the close personal interaction teaching demands.

Outwardly I’ve settled down to a comfortable middle class life in the suburbs with two teenage sons and a mortgage, but my inner self still cries out for something more. Technology (long live Apple!) has provided some satisfaction through desktop publishing and now podcasting (unleashing a secret persona!), but beyond that there is a growing desire to contribute more to help this troubled world we live in. I sincerely believe that serving my community as a mediator is the purpose and rationale of my life’s journey thus far. Yes, Mediation is indeed my calling.

Next topic: what does it take to be a mediator?

Why Try Mediation

✓ Mediation is risk-free...
It is non-binding unless a settlement agreement is actually reached. Once signed a settlement agreement is enforceable in court.
✓ Mediation is a process...
Parties in dispute choose a mediator, an impartial person, who helps them reach their mutually-acceptable settlement.
✓ Mediation is an alternative...
It is available to resolve disputes in such diverse areas as family relationships, accidents, banking, finance and commerce, consumer contracts, insurance, leases, real estate, marine and transportation.
✓ Mediation is empowering...
Through mediation the parties can control their own destinies concerning issues and disputes in which they have vested and continued interests.
✓ Mediation is recommended...
Judges and Lawyers suggest mediation as an alternative to litigation. In many cases, through mediation, the parties reach agreement, thus saving themselves emotional and financial costs.
✓ Mediation is a first step...
It is one way of reaching a mutually acceptable settlement. If Agreement cannot be achieved, the parties still can take other action such as arbitration or other legal proceedings.
✓ Mediation is fair...
Mediators are professionally trained, neutral third parties who have no interest in the outcome. Their role is to help the parties resolve the dispute. Unlike arbitration, a mediator does not resolve the dispute or impose a decision on the parties. Instead, the mediator helps the parties to agree on a mutually acceptable resolution, based on their own cost benefit analysis of their interests and options.
✓ Mediation is faster...
The process can begin immediately whereas disputes settled in court often take years. The process saves time and money. A majority of mediation cases are resolved in one session, which usually lasts from one to eight hours.
✓ Mediation is confidential...
You do not have to reveal your personal concerns in an open court of law. The sessions are informal and are not tape-recorded or transcribed. Information disclosed at any time during mediation cannot be revealed in future litigation, should the matter not be resolved.
✓ Mediation costs less...
If both parties want to reach a settlement through mediation, the skill of the mediator can help them reach a solution in a short time.
✓ Mediation preserves relationships...
The mediation process, and the communication and active listening involved, helps build trust between the parties and transform their relationships for the future. A mutually acceptable solution to a dispute lets both parties be winners and respect each other.
✓ Mediation works...
Settlement agreements secured during mediation are more likely to be voluntarily complied with by the parties than arbitration awards or judgments. Statistics also show that a vast majority of cases which are submitted to mediation actually settle and result in written settlement agreements.