Bridging the Gap

I have a picture on my home office door - the cover of one of my old Dicks 'n Janes zines actually - which has my head attached to a muscular Mel Gibson in the role of Braveheart. The caption at the bottom reads 'Gotta Keep 'em Separated', taken from the hit song of the same title by The Offspring. (Isn't the internet amazing - click here and you can hear it too!). At the time I believed it was very important to keep the publisher of this irreverent and politically incorrect zine (worldwide circulation 50, from 1984-2003) far apart from the businessman whose Japanese clients might not approve of the liberal references to politics, pot and poetry. (sorry, but I’m a product of the 60s). I was very cautious about who I mailed copies to, and limited the readership to friends, and friends of friends, with just one stipulation: no jerks. (for example, the idiot who tossed hatchets at trees and poured kerosene on our annual Mother’s Day campfire).

My point? Well, today I find myself in a similar situation, trying to keep the Scarborough Dude (oops - now the cat’s out of the bag), host of the Dicksnjanes Podcast (no hyperlink, yet) at bay from Ken, the mild mannered mediator. The ‘dude,’ as his small but loyal fan base calls him, loves to swear loudly and voice strongly worded opinions on religion, politics, parenthood, education and everything in between. If the dots were ever connected (it shouldn't be hard now), this character could surely wreak havoc on my reputation as a fair and unbiased mediator. Gotta keep ’em separated, no?

That’s what I’ve been telling myself anyway - keep your wild and crazy hobby persona far from your budding identity as a professional in the field of mediation. But is that split between the various expressions of oneself really necessary? When I read books such as Bringing Peace Into the Room: How the Personal Qualities of the Mediator Impact the Process of Conflict Resolution by Daniel Bowling and David Hoffman, I get a sense that real mediators who are at one with their inner selves are more effective in their professional roles, and more likely to win the trust of clients. And so slowly, cautiously, and within the protective confines of this blog, I begin to bridge the gap.

"Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a money looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey." – Malcolm de Chazal
or if you prefer...
"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be." – May Sarton

What Happened?

Time to own up to an onerous truth: this ain't as easy as I had imagined! I last left you with an audio introduction, in what I planned would be a weekly series of podcasts exploring my journey towards making a living as a mediator. I like to think I'm still learning valuable lessons every week, especially through my volunteer service in the Victim-Offender Program here in Toronto, but the hope of actually earning money as a mediator seems further away than ever. Of course one can be a mediator without financial gain, but having it both ways is still a dream I'm not yet ready to give up. 

That aside, I've had to ask myself what happened to this blog I was so excited about when I started. It would be easy to lay the blame on a mild case of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, but the fact is, for a blog, or podcast, to be successful, the author needs to be clear on the reasons for putting it out, the message(s) to be conveyed, and the intended audience. Two months ago I thought I had the answers to those questions, but as of today, I can answer none of them. But just admitting that makes me feel a lot better, and optimistic that I can get started again. I will keep in mind a lesson I've learned from podcasting, as expressed by comedian Bill Cosby: 

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying please everybody."

A Mediator's Calling Podcast: An Introduction

So much  for blogging; here is the first installation of A Mediator's Calling Podcast.

Show References:

York University Certificate In Dispute Resolution

Desmond Ellis

Conrad Grebel University College at University of Waterloo

Narrative Mediation

Conflict Mediation Services of Downsview

Getting To Yes

The Art of Mediation

The Mediator's Handbook

Zen and the Art of Making A Living

CUSO

The Road Ahead

It will be obvious to anyone visiting this site for the first time that I am a novice in the field of mediation. In fact, the reason I started this blog was to share a record of my journey on this long and never ending road towards mediator competence. The 132 hours of training I received through the Certificate in Dispute Resolution Program at York University in 2001 has served me well, and I was very fortunate to take an elective in my main area of interest, community mediation. Since then I have attended various workshops, including Narrative Mediation with John Winslade at Conrad Grebel University College, been involved as ‘the tech guy’ in the now defunct UCDR, and last November registered my own company, Glanville Mediation Service, and placed local ads for which I’m starting to get calls. To date I have mediated about fifteen cases, and continue to take on new ones regularly, thanks to volunteering my services with local community centres.

From October of 2006, I went through the Victim/Offender Mediation training offered by Conflict Mediation Services of Downsview (and was honoured to have co-mediated Ontario’s first case in this Ministry of Justice Pilot Project. Several other workshops are being offered to supplement our Victim/Offender Training, including defusing hostility, and the CMSD Cross Cultural Training Program. I continue to enjoy reading mediation texts (more on that later), and am subscribed to various mediation blogs (see sidebar). And to start 2008 of right, I rejoined the ADR Institute of Ontario and have already attended two very interesting section meetings, and especially look forward to the ADR Annual Meeting and Conference in Montreal October 17.

Since first venturing into this profession, I have been very impressed by the noble spirit which seems to run through it. There seems a deeply held conviction that mediation is a unique and precious calling that demands nothing less than the very best of all who take up this practice. Of course I am revealing some of my own biases here, in that I adhere to the transformative notions of the mediation process and am a little (lot?) less concerned with the legal and financial side of things. One message that I picked up at a recent ADRIO meeting was that to be successful, mediators have to develop their own special niche. This will take considerable time and experience, but I’m beginning to sense the direction in which I want to move. One thing is certain; the learning process never ends, whether it’s through mediations, training programs, readings, meetings or simply observing life’s daily interactions. I am truly delighted to have taken this path, and look forward to all the opportunities that lie ahead.

A strong passion… will insure success, for the desire of the end will point out the means. – William Hazlitt

2008: Making Better Use of Time

"As long as you are trying to be something other than what you actually are, your mind wears itself out." – J. Krishnamurti

We are only just hours into 2008, and I am holding firm to my New Year’s pledge to ‘make better use of my time this year.’ Yes, it’s noon, and I’m sitting comfortably with my MacBook on my lap, watching back to back episodes of Corner Gas. And I’m laughing out loud, something I don’t do often enough. For those unfamiliar with this show, I can only say it’s very Canadian and very funny, in a Canadian sort of way. Corner Gas, awarded Geminis for Best Comedy, Best Ensemble Performance and Best Writing in a Comedy, and getting ‘rage reviews across the USA’ on Superstation, is about to enter it’s 5th season, but I have to confess to only recently becoming a real fan of the show.

Regardless, you may be wondering how watching two and a half hours of a situation comedy, no matter how hilarious, constitutes making better use of my time, especially since I’m always telling myself I should watch less television and use the reclaimed time to read more. The thing is, it isn’t healthy to always be striving to be better, to achieve greater success, to outdo oneself and others. We have to also make time to just sit back and smell the roses, and be who we are in the present moment. Tomorrow is a working day, and I have an ever growing list of tasks to prioritize and get started on, hopefully with conviction and zeal. But today is New Year’s Day, a holiday, and I have every intention to indulge myself in whatever simple pleasures take my fancy. If I choose to have a glass of wine with brunch, I will savour every sip, and not fret about that long list of To Do’s awaiting my attention. And if I decide to read, I’ll pick up whatever book I’m in the mood for, not one that voice inside my head tells me I ‘should’ be reading now.

Making better use of your time, at least to me, means living more fully in the present moment, being more cognizant of the ‘now,’ and more appreciative of the good things in life, like friendship, kindness and yes, humour. I spend far too much time getting depressed over the state of world affairs, and since most of those problems are beyond my sphere of influence (unfortunately, I can’t vote outside of Canada), it makes more sense to focus on what I can do, here and now. For example, whenever I buy something, I make a point of engaging in friendly conversation, and always walk away feeling better for the smiles and eye contact, no matter how brief the interaction. While that may seem quite trivial, it really isn’t, as everything we do and react to has a ripple effect in ways we can’t foresee. Making better use of our time doesn’t just mean accomplishing more, but also valuing more what it is we are doing at any given time. I intend to make the most of 2008, and wish all of you a Happy and Fulfilling New Year. And now back to Corner Gas.

Christmas in Captivity

It’s Christmas Eve as I write this, a relaxing day I’ve devoted to reading mediation blogs, thanks largely to the efforts Diane Levin, who has done an incredible job of pulling together so many ADR resources in such a user friendly manner! I was thrilled when she replied promptly last week to my request to have ‘A Mediator’s Calling’ listed on The World Directory of Alternative Dispute Resolution Blogs, and even more excited when I discovered it was already posted and accessible from the Reading Room where every blog entry can be read without ever having to leave the site. I’ve been a podcaster since April 2005, but still feel like a newbie to the blogging world, and until now, somewhat of an outsider. Diane’s warm welcome went a long way towards making me feel at home here, much the way fellow podcasters gave me the boost I needed to keep going in those pioneering days. It takes time to find one’s natural voice, but with every new blog entry I’m starting to gain more confidence and enjoy being a member of this online ADR community.

What’s prompted me to write today is a story from today's Toronto Star which filled me with sadness. It is the tragic account of Ingrid Betancourt, a Columbia woman who was kidnapped by the FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia) almost six year ago, and is being held prisoner in the remote jungle under very difficult conditions, often shackled to other prisoners by the neck because of earlier attempts to escape. She campaigned against corruption and the drug cartels, and has paid a heavy price for her bravery. I know little about her other than what I have just researched online, but the recent photograph proving she is still alive speaks volumes. Her birthday is Christmas Day, and I will take a few moments out from our own joyous celebrations to think of her and all the other unfortunate victims held unjustly around the world, separated so cruelly from their loved ones. I am sure there are many people exploring peaceful creative ways to get her and others released; let’s hope they find success before it’s too late.

Mediation and Language Skills

I’ve spent a large part of my adult life teaching English, both in Canada and overseas. Having long had to make myself clearly understood by second language learners, I now have an unconscious habit of quickly assessing a speakers’ English skills, and adjusting my speech patterns and vocabulary accordingly. This is so second nature to me now that I will even fine tune my speech when dialoguing with native English speakers, depending on their verbal expertise, although the changes I make are usually subtle enough that a co-mediator might not even notice. What surprises me, however, is that non-teachers can sometimes be so completely oblivious to a listeners needs, not noticing the facial expressions suggesting varying degrees of incomprehension. ESL teachers are (or should be) trained to pick up on non-verbal cues, and slow down, repeat, rephrase, avoid idioms or do whatever else is necessary to help facilitate good communication.

The implications for mediators are plain: active listening, by extension, should include being sensitive to a clients language capabilities. I have on occasion been disturbed to hear a fellow mediator talk rapidly and verbosely when it was apparent the client was struggling to keep up. Whether oversights like this are due to inexperience or a lack of training I can’t say, but I would like to share a few teacher tips.

Listen and observe: Start slowly with introductions and small talk, give the client an opportunity to speak, and try to gauge their proficiency. Note that it is not just second language learners who can have difficulties communicating; other variables such as stress and anxiety can interfere with linguistic competence.
Listen to yourself: Practice your opening statement alone sometime, or even better, record yourself and pay attention to your speed and lexicon. Ask a co-mediator for honest feedback. Learn to simplify.
Stop short: Some people seem unable to find an end to their sentences, and carry on as if every sentence has to be a full paragraph. Stop! Give the listener time to process what’s being said if it’s important, and if verbosity is just your natural style, learn to break your run on sentences into shorter segments. Try being more concise when asking questions; some mediators appear to supply the answers to their own questions.
Check for comprehension: Don’t just ask ‘do you understand?’ because almost everyone will say yes, even if they don’t. Clients can easily be intimidated by someone else’s superior language skills. Remember to ask open-ended questions, and allow the client plenty of time to compose answer if they are nervous, embarrassed or confused. Don’t be afraid to come back to the same question again later if you don’t feel the answer was complete. Learn to read cues from body language and facial expressions as well.
Rephrase and repeat: Raising your voice or slowing your speech down to an unnatural rhythm is demeaning and won’t help. Instead, repeat questions, if necessary, by rephrasing. “So when did you finally decide to bring this uncomfortable relationship you were involved in to a conclusion?” can be rephrased as “Tell me about ending your relationship.” and afterwards ‘When did this happen?” Of course, none of these adjustments are necessary if you have already assessed your client to be completely at ease and verbally sophisticated. The point is, find out first.